


sticky notes

by myhowellslester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Help, How does this work, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I don't know what I'm doing, M/M, but have fun reading, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-09 00:29:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13469874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myhowellslester/pseuds/myhowellslester
Summary: Dan is having a hard time dealing with anxiety and craves reassurance, but he just doesn't know how to ask for it.





	sticky notes

**Author's Note:**

> wow okay this is the first thing i'm uploading here i'm nervous aha  
> the first half of this is kinda autobiographical tho so enjoy that
> 
> kudos and comments would be highly appreciated, also thanks for reading! stay hydrated and have a nice day <3

It had been bugging him for several months now.

Or well, actually it had pretty much been years, but it wasn't until last year that he'd started thinking about it. 

He hadn't been sure what exactly it was at first, but after thinking about it for hours and hours while Phil had been asleep next to him helped him to piece the puzzle pieces together. More or less at least, he thought. The puzzle wasn't finished yet, though, because Dan still wasn't sure why exactly he was feeling the way he did, he only knew that he did feel that way. Fact.

He couldn't help but feel sorry for Phil.

Phil was all he could ask for, after all - sweet and caring, funny and understanding, considerate and gentle, smart and creative.

But then there was, well... him. Dan.

There were days where he couldn't give Phil any of that, and he usually spent those days in their shared bedroom, but without really sharing it because Phil wasn't there. Dan wouldn't let him in, most of the times. He said he wanted to be left alone.

Which wasn't true. Then again, it was, right? Usually, Dan didn't really understand what he wanted.

Wanting to be left alone or not, when it came to Phil, Dan sometimes felt that he was somewhere in between.

He wished for Phil to see through it, though, so he could deal with Dan's problems instead, and Dan felt incredibly guilty for thinking that way. But he just couldn't help it.

Though he was indeed wondering why he did it. Because he felt like he expected something, even though he wasn't sure what exactly something meant.

He never wanted sympathy. But at the same time... yeah, kind of? Dan didn't want people to treat him differently, and he had told Phil exactly that so many times; he didn't want people to treat him differently because they just didn't understand.

But he wanted them to understand because it fucking sucked and he didn't want to be alone with this.

He didn't know how to help himself. So all he did instead was ask for reassurances in ways that people never realised what exactly he was asking for, meaning all of them would eventually end up not saying what Dan wanted them to say. Which was fucked up, and he knew that. How could he expect this from others?

He didn't want to be blunt, of course; who would do that? Who would walk up to someone like, 'Hey, I'm feeling like shit today, please tell me that you love me and then, while you're at it, please also explain why you do because I don't understand! Thanks."

It sounded ridiculous enough in his head, pathetic enough, so obviously, he would never do anything like that.

But he felt like he needed it, he just wasn't sure how to ask for it. This wasn't something people normally did. It wasn't something people usually needed.  
And he knew people cared, his problem was that he felt like they didn't.

He'd talked about this with his therapist already, so he technically knew that it was just natural to be anxious about irrational things, and he also knew that he shouldn't necessarily try to fight it and that he shouldn't tell himself to stop feeling the way he did.

But it made him feel stupid and ridiculous and childish and pathetic and-

"You do love me, right?"

Phil didn't even look up from the screen when the question had accidentally slipped out of Dan's mouth. He didn't mean to say it, he really didn't - but now the question stood between them and Dan could hear his own shadows laugh at him. He cringed a bit.

"No, Dan, I secretly hate you."

Dan knew that this was where he was supposed to laugh and roll his eyes in some playful manner, but he couldn't.

And when he still hadn't laughed after a few seconds had passed, Phil turned his head to look at him. "Oh, Dan, come on. You can't be serious."

Dan didn't say anything. He was embarrassed.

Phil sighed and shuffled closer to him, putting the laptop away. "Look at me," he then said quietly but Dan shook his head. Why was his mouth so much faster than his head sometimes?

"Dan, look at me." Phil didn't sound angry, but he barely ever did when he was around Dan. He always managed to be patient when it came to him (unless Dan was once again the reason they were both late to something), and that patience was one of the reasons why Dan loved him so much.

So he did as Phil told him. He looked right into the blue eyes that he was sure were probably the prettiest eyes he'd ever seen - and he didn't just think that because Phil was his boyfriend. It was more of a fact, really.

Maybe he was a little biased, though.

Slowly, Phil moved his hands up to cup Dan's face. He kissed him lightly and then looked him in the eyes again. "Of course I love you. So, so much." He smiled. "Okay?"

Dan nodded. He was still too ashamed to say anything. He'd probably even blushed.  
He closed his eyes and wished that he could hide under a blanket.

Phil just sighed again. "What's wrong?" he then asked, now a little further away from Dan again.

"Nothing," Dan lied, mainly because he wasn't sure how to put this into words without sounding like a needy piece of shit. Which he was, but that didn't mean everyone around him had to know that, including Phil.

He ignored the fact that after more than eight years of a stable relationship, Phil was probably already aware of that, anyway.

"You sure?"

Dan knew what Phil was doing. He never pushed Dan into talking about things, even though sometimes, Dan honestly wished he did. Because otherwise, he wouldn't do it. And then it would eat him up from the inside, and it would resolve in this endless spiral of nothingness and self-deprecating thoughts.

On the other hand, though, Dan appreciated that Phil knew there were things going on in his head that Dan had to figure out all by himself first before he could talk about it to him. Phil never pushed Dan into being happy, never forced it onto him, but he was always there when Dan needed to hold a hand for some comfort.

So, Phil asking him if he was sure gave Dan the opportunity to choose; he could either talk about it or, well, not talk about it.

It was just that Dan sometimes made the wrong choice.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Don't... worry about it."

"Really?"

But then, sometimes, Phil just noticed and tried to get him on the right path, even though it was a lost cause sometimes, admittedly.

Dan didn't say anything and pulled his knees to his chest. He crossed his arms on top of them and then placed his head on his arms in an attempt to avoid looking at the man next to him.

"What is it?" Phil asked after Dan had stayed silent for a while. Phil gently placed a hand on his shoulder. "You've been acting a little weirdly for the past few days now."

"It's just..." Dan stopped. He felt ridiculous.

"Did I... do something wrong?" Phil asked, suddenly sounding self-conscious, and Dan shook his head slowly.

"No."

"Then what is bothering you?"

Dan considered saying that it was just his anxiety. Which it was, but that was beside the point. He couldn't simply justify everything with the word 'anxiety'. He tried to find the right words because he knew Phil wouldn't let go of this just like that. But Dan was hesitant.

"I... feel... alone."

Great. That sounded even more stupid saying it out loud.

"Alone? But-"

"I know I'm not. I know you're here. And also other people. And I'm grateful for that. It's just..." He hesitated again, and even though he wasn't looking at him, he felt Phil's eyes lie on him. "It makes me feel stupid. Feeling alone when I know for a fact that I'm not. And then I feel... nothing. And then I want to go back to feeling alone and stupid again. But that's not it. That's not new." He sighed, and he pulled his eyebrows together because of his headache.

"Then what is it?"

He didn't sound annoyed, but there was an emotion in Phil's voice that he couldn't quite identify.

"I... I feel like I'm using you."

"Using me?"

"Yeah."

"In what way?"

Dan bit his lip before he talked. "I can't really explain it. But it's how I feel and I hate it." It was irrational, he knew it.

"But why do you think you're using me? I mean-"

"Because every time I feel low, you'll be the one I'll talk to, even though I know you... you can't really help me because not even I know what's wrong. And then I'll wake up the next morning and unless I actually don't give one single shit because it's one of those days, I'll hate myself so much for it, every single time. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that inconvenience."

"You're not an inconvenience."

"Of course I am."

"Dan." Phil squeezed his hand. "You're the person I love. I wouldn't say that's the definition of inconvenience."

"You don't understand." Dan stared at his hands now, still too ashamed to look at Phil. "I know exactly why I do this, why I talk to you - it's not even to feel better, I mean of course it is, but... that's not it, I can't explain it. It's like... sometimes, I don't even want to get better. I feel like I want to keep feeling like this so I... I don't know, but it kills me, Phil. Because I know you're doing all you can, and it's so unfair to you that I still feel like this. I just can't believe I'd be this selfish. I don't want to be like this, I don't want to be that attention-seeking idiot, yet here I am, doing exactly what I don't want to do all the fucking time, and you don't... deserve this."

Phil was quiet now. He didn't know what to say, so he moved his hand away carefully to place it on Dan's, which was tightly holding on to his own wrist. Dan was shaking a bit.

"What did you mean when you said feeling better is not why you talk to me?" he said quietly while looking at Dan. Who, by the way, still wouldn't look back at him.

"It's so selfish," Dan whispered and Phil raised an eyebrow.

"Tell me, please."

Now Dan finally looked at him. Not long enough for Phil to find the right words but long enough to notice the tear streaming down his cheek.

"I-I don't know," Dan then said quietly, "I... think I'm looking for... I don't know, reassurance? I don't know."

"And that's why you asked the question earlier?"

It was more than that, though, and Dan knew it. What he wanted was to feel important, significant - he wanted to feel as if he _mattered_. Which was ridiculous. He couldn't expect Phil to a) know that and b) understand that. And it wasn't like Phil had ever neglected him or anything like that. Phil didn't know what it was like, and that wasn't his fault, but Dan still found himself blaming Phil, and it disgusted him. Because he knew Phil was doing all he could, and he just didn't deserve this.

"Listen," Phil said quietly, "I don't know what's going on inside your head, and I know I can't make the thoughts stop. But I don't think you're selfish. And if you need it I will tell you a thousand times a day that I love you, or however many times you need me to say it until you believe me. Because I do. And I don't want you to think otherwise." He took Dan's hand. "I love you."

Dan just nodded slowly. On other days, he probably would have laughed because, admittedly, Phil's words were quite cheesy. But right now he just whispered, "I love you too."

Silence. Dan closed his eyes and Phil started playing with one curl of his brown hair.

He wanted to ask Phil why he loved him. Phil had told him several times before, actually - of course he did. But it all just didn't make much sense to Dan, it felt like empty words and vague memories that maybe, Dan had just made up, even though he obviously didn't. 

He was a mess.

"You look tired," Phil pointed out.

Dan nodded again. "Well, I am."

"Wanna go to bed?"

Dan wasn't sure why Phil had let the topic go, but he had to admit he was rather glad about it.

"It's three in the afternoon."

"Three-in-the-afternoon-naps are the best."

"That's a lie."

But Dan was tired. So when Phil took his hand to pull him with him, he didn't reject. Not at all. He was just wondering why Phil was going with him.

 

✃

 

Phil wasn't next to him anymore when Dan woke up. Which wasn't a surprise, really. It was like this most of the time. There's just so much time you can spend on looking at someone sleep, even if that person is the person you love, and to be fair, Phil hadn't seemed tired at all.

Dan sighed. Today really hadn't been a bad day. The possibility he'd have to touch the carpet with his feet at some point hadn't seemed unbearable. He yawned and opened his eyes. Yeah, he was okay. He just kind of regretted the talk he'd had with Phil before because it would just make Phil worry about unnecessary things Dan was imagining.

He got out of bed, not able to get the sweet temptation of a warm coffee out of his head. Even though it was 17:03, he felt as if it was the next morning. And in the mornings, he craved coffee out of habit.

He knew he'd regret this no later than when he'd eventually still be up at 3 a.m.

And when walking past it, Dan didn't notice the pink sticky-note stuck to his side of the wardrobe.

Eventually, he reached the kitchen but couldn't find Phil there either. That made him raise an eyebrow. "Phil?" he yelled but didn't get an answer. That was weird.

Dan grabbed his favourite mug and turned to turn on the coffee machine when he finally noticed one of the pink sticky notes for the first time.

It was stuck on the machine, right above the little display.

"For the second cup you make when I'm having a lazy day."

What? What did this even mean? This definitely was Phil's handwriting. But why would he write that? "Phil?" he asked once again, but once again didn't get an answer.

Dan furrowed his eyebrows.

He didn't know what to make of the tiny piece of paper, so he decided to leave it where it was and was just about to grab the cereal box when he noticed - yeah, you guessed it - that there wasn't any cereal left. Dan sighed. He'd actually kill Phil one day. He imagined the headline - Cereal Killer: YouTuber Kills Boyfriend Because He Kept Eating His Cereals \- and cringed. So Dan took a banana instead and left the kitchen to sit down and watch some tv in the living room. It was almost time for dinner, anyway. He'd just wanted cereal out of habit, like the coffee.

He sat down and took his phone to text Phil. Carefully, Dan placed the cup of coffee on the table and unlocked his phone.

where are you?

As expected, Phil didn't reply immediately, so Dan put his phone next to the cup on the table.

While looking for the remote to turn on the TV, he noticed something pink stuck to the shelf next to him that surely hadn't been there yesterday.

It was another sticky note.

Dan raised an eyebrow and got closer to it so he could read what it said.

"The fact that you are just as much of a nerd as me."

The note was stuck to one of the shelves that indeed had lots of rather nerdy merchandise on it, right in front of the DVDs.

"What are these?" Dan asked, obviously talking to himself because nobody else was with him.

His phone buzzed.

Just went out to get some things for dinner tonight!! Will be back soon, promise

Dan shook his head lightly. For dinner? Did Phil plan something? He took a picture of the note and sent it to Phil.

what are these?

Phil replied faster this time.

Can't figure it out, hm?

Dan rolled his eyes.

well i don't think i would've asked if i did

Dan didn't need to see Phil to know that he was probably giggling right now because Dan was so clueless.

It's quite simple actually

Dan rolled his eyes once again.

omg then tell me

Phil took longer to reply now, and Dan took the first sip of his coffee just to realise that it was still too hot by burning his tongue. "Ouch!" His phone buzzed again.

You're such a dork, it's reasons why I love you obviously. But I gtg now, see you at home

Reasons why he loved him?

That was about the cheesiest thing Dan could think of.

"What the- Phil."

Dan really needed to stop talking to himself.

He got up and looked around the room. There was another pink note stuck to a picture frame. It was a selfie of him and his family dog, Colin. He read the note.

"Your love for dogs and your A+ selfie skills."

Dan shook his head. He was incredibly close to try and find all the notes that were in the flat but then decided he wanted to find them throughout the day, as some kind of surprise.

He smiled a bit, though. It was unbelievably cheesy but sometimes, he loved when Phil was being cheesy like this.

 

✃

 

He found the next two notes when he opened up his laptop. It was stuck right above the webcam, or rather right above the sticker Phil had placed on Dan's webcam ages ago (after watching a rather creepy episode of Black Mirror) that Dan was only allowed to peel off when he was facetiming Phil. Or his grandma.

"That we can still talk on Skype for hours without running out of things to say."

Right underneath it was another note.

"Not to mention the fact I still don't really like being apart from you for too long."

Dan smiled a bit.

 

✃

 

The next two he found in the bathroom, one stuck to the mirror and one stuck to the wall inside the shower.

He read the shower one first.

"The annoying way you sing in the shower."

"Hey, my cover of 'Bring Me Back to Life' is not annoying, it's dramatic," Dan mumbled to himself while turning around to read the other one. This one was a little more simple.

"Your smile :)"

 

✃

 

Phil still wasn't back after almost an hour had passed. Which was okay, but Dan had decided it was time to get dressed properly. At six 'o clock, but hey, you do you.

He put his laptop away and made his way over to their bedroom. Ugh, stairs were annoying, but he noticed another sticky note on the wall. He grinned.

"Your creativity, your humour, your intelligence."

 

✃

 

In the bedroom, he found a total of four pink sticky notes.

One was stuck to the headboard of their bed. "I don't think I need to explain this one ;)"

Dan cringed and had just rolled his eyes for, like, the hundredth time that day.

Another one was stuck to the large mirror in the corner. "How you're making me feel good about myself, always."

The third was found stuck to the wardrobe. "The way you dress even though I don't understand it."

Dan laughed at this one.

The last note was stuck to the book on his nightstand.

"The fact that you can easily get lost in fictional worlds within seconds."

Dan didn't quite understand why Phil would love that about him, he thought it was a rather annoying habit, but appreciated those words anyway.

 

✃

 

He was playing the piano when he heard the door close downstairs. Usually, Phil would yell something along the lines of, "Dan, I'm home!" but he probably refrained from doing so this time because he had heard the sound of the instrument upstairs.

Dan tried to concentrate on the melody but knowing that Phil was listening now made him feel insecure. He finished the piece anyway, knowing that Phil must've come to stand behind him at some point.

"Hey," Dan mumbled and smiled at Phil, trying to ignore what they'd talked about earlier. He didn't stand up.

Phil smiled and wrapped his arms around Dan's shoulders from behind, then kissed his temple.

"I swear, you get better every time I listen to you play."

Dan rolled his eyes a bit but the rosy patch on his cheek darkened.

Phil moved away from him. Dan turned his head to look at the man and raised an eyebrow when he saw that he was writing something on another pink sticky note.

Once he'd finished, he smiled at Dan and stuck the note to the piano.

"The way you pretend not to notice me when I listen to you play."

"Hey, I don't 'pretend' not to notice you!"

"You totally do."

"You're so mean."

Phil giggled quietly.

"I'm gonna make dinner now."

"Oh, god help us all."

 

✃

 

Phil was actually cooking dinner. Indian. And it smelled delicious.

"So, what are the notes about?" Dan finally asked while helping Phil. Well, Dan was only cooking the rice, but that's beside the point.

Phil smiled a bit before he said anything. He was pouring something into a bowl before he answered.

"I was thinking about how I could make clear to you that I, in fact, do love you. And sticky notes are something people usually use when they want to remind someone of something. And I want to remind you how I feel about you, even when I'm not here. It's important to me, you know."

Dan looked at his boyfriend without saying anything for a few seconds before mumbling, "Phil, that's... that's so sweet, actually."

Phil stopped cutting a carrot and looked at Dan. He wasn't smiling anymore.

"I just... I don't want you to have doubts. There's a reason this has been working out for eight years already." He pointed his finger at them both. "And I kind of wish you would've talked to me sooner."

"I know," Dan whispered, feeling guilty, and now Phil smiled and wrapped his arms around him.

"I know you can't help it. But..." He moved away from Dan a bit so he could look at him. He smiled again and placed a hand on his cheek. "But you know you can talk to me, right?"

Dan nodded a bit and looked down to the floor so he didn't have to look at Phil anymore. "I just don't want to bother you-"

"You don't. I want you to get better. Feel better." He smiled. "And I know I can't do all too much, but I'll still do all I can. There is nobody else in the world like you and nobody will ever come close, and that's why I love you and only you and I want you to be sure of that."

Dan nodded and Phil kissed his cheek before going back to cutting the vegetables.

 

✃

 

"Sometimes I forget you're actually not bad at cooking."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, nothing at all." Dan laughed a bit while Phil just smiled. A comfortable silence developed between them while they continued watching Game of Thrones.

Dan noticed another pink note that he hadn't seen before. He couldn't read what it said, though. He looked at Phil again.  
"Are you just gonna... put notes all over the house now?"

Phil wasn't even surprised about the sudden topic change. It had never been hard for him to keep up with Dan.

"That's the plan."

"What about filming?"

"That's your first thought?" Phil chuckled and readjusted himself on the sofa while putting his plate down on the table. He grabbed the remote and put the episode on pause. "I don't know, I mean, there aren't really any in the areas where we usually film."

"And when we have people over? What are we gonna tell them?"

"I don't think they're gonna question it."

"Phil."

"If they do, we can explain it. They're our friends."

Dan laughed. "Yeah, sure. They're so gonna judge us."

Phil smiled and cuddled into his side. "I'm trying to be cute and romantic but you're just here questioning everything. You suck."

"Dick?"

Phil replied with a sort of annoyed groan and pushed Dan away from him. "Jesus Christ, I hate you. You're making me cringe," he mumbled and Dan laughed again.

"Let's just finish watching that episode, hm?"

Phil nodded.

During the episode, Dan stayed weirdly quiet, but Phil didn't question him. When the credits started playing and Dan still didn't say much, though, he raised an eyebrow and looked at Dan, just to find him staring at him. "What are you doing?" he asked, and a little grin formed on Dan's lips.

"Nothing," he whispered and kissed Phil's forehead, which Phil responded to by smiling and kissing Dan properly a few seconds later.

Just when Dan was about to deepen the kiss, Phil pulled his lips away. "Wait, I think I have an idea to resolve the issue with the sticky notes."

"What idea?"

Phil smiled without answering and got up from the sofa to get his sticky notes and a pen.

"Phil?" Dan called but Phil ignored him. He wrote something on the note before walking back to the sofa.

"We'll sum it up," Phil said and sat down next to Dan. He smiled and carefully stuck the small piece of paper to Dan's forehead.

"What are you doing?" Dan laughed and took the note from his head to read it.

"you."

Dan rolled his eyes and slapped Phil's arm gently. "You're actually crazy."

Phil laughed and let his head fall against Dan's chest. He let it remain there and Dan started playing with his hair. "Maybe I am," Phil then whispered, "Crazy in love. Like Beyoncé."

"Shut up," Dan whispered, but Phil knew that he didn't mean it.

"But what the note says is true," Phil whispered, "There are so many little details that make you who you are, that shaped the person I've been looking at throughout the years, and I'm so in love with the person you are right now."

Dan blushed a bit and tried to hide his face. Phil smiled.

He knew that Dan would never stop doubting. He also knew that he would always be worried about, well, everything. But he was fine with that. Maybe Dan did need a little more reassurance than other people, but that was okay with Phil. If there was one thing he was good at, it was gushing over the brown-eyed man with the curly hair and the weird fashion sense.

Of course, all of this wasn't exactly easy, neither for Dan nor for Phil. But relationships couldn't just be easy. Love wasn't meant to be easy, right?

And Phil was okay with it. Because even though it's been a few years, he was still sure Dan was the person he wanted to grow old with, even if that meant some hard work here and then. Because seeing him smile at the end of the day was what made it all worth it. Dan brought out the best in him, always inspired and motivated him.

Phil knew nobody could ever come close to Dan, even if it was just for all the experiences they shared and all that they've been through together.

All the things that still were to come.

All those extraordinary amazing things that always seemed to happen to just them instead of anyone else.

Phil smiled a bit, and when Dan noticed, he smiled back.

And that was why Phil knew it was all worth it. Because moments like these were times he'd never trade for the world.


End file.
